This is the first time in two weeks that I haven’t felt like utter crap. At this point, maybe it’s just the Sudafed that gives me the ability to weave two sentences together in any cohesive manner, and I suppose I am grateful for that much at least. The doctor said what doctors always say about this sort of thing, that it’s viral, and you just have to ride it out. Well, my family and I have been riding it out since Christmas, and it’s put me in a bit of a foul mood. As I type, one of the children, “Patient Zero”, is in the other room, moaning, because he doesn’t like food anymore, and it doesn’t really do any good to tell a two year old, “That’s what you get for stealing your sick baby cousin’s pacifier at the Christmas party!”
So you sigh and realize, this happens EVERY year, and, at first you get mad, and blame all your relatives for showing up sick to every family event just because “it’s tradition”, and then you realize, “Hey, I showed up too,” and you feel guilty and stupid and hopeless all at the same time.
And then, once the worst of it has worn off, or you have enough of the kind of pills in you that you have to show ID to purchase, you go a little deeper and push past the whole, feeling sorry for yourself and looking for someone else to blame layer. Then you start to see the pattern, and realize that this does happen every year, and you start to wonder about that. You start to wonder about a lot of things in your life that seem like punishment from the gods. Things that give you an excuse to just throw your hands up and say, “How am I supposed to get anything done under these circumstances?”
You start to think about things like losing weight and staying healthy, and how there is a perfectly rational part of your brain that knows why you should take care of yourself, and how you should do it, and has done it often enough in the past that you know it shouldn’t be that hard, if you just stick with it… but then you see yourself, standing there, eating all the leftover pizza in the fridge, not because you’re hungry, but because it’s there, and, for a moment, it will make you feel a little better. I mean, I have had the experience, many times in my life, where I am telling myself, “Stop doing what you are doing at this moment!” but my hands just keep sticking the cold pizza in my mouth hole, and my jaw keeps chewing.
Then you chalk it up to lack of willpower or poor planning, or any of the other excuses you use to rationalize another black eye in your abusive relationship with your own brain, but, if I’m really being honest with myself, I have to realize that there are at least two people living in this body, and one of them really isn’t all that interested in my grand plans for the future.
One thing I have noticed about myself, is that I am usually pretty good at shrugging off illnesses… if I am in a positive mental state that is. The sickness that is currently kicking my ass in nine different ways should never have advanced beyond the scratchy throat, sniffly nose phase. Most times it doesn’t, but come a holiday, I’m always in a bad mood, and something always gets me.
I always wind up pushing my work aside to do what families do on holidays, all the while resenting it, and imagining how productive I’m going to be when I can finally get back to work. I just get grumpy and martyrous and generally unpleasant to be around, and then I get really sick at the first whiff of contagion, and all my dreamed-of productivity is shot to hell.
Then I really get angry.
I hate this! I hate being weak. I hate being the snivelly, self-absorbed artist who always feels persecuted and misunderstood… It’s a worn-out trope… What is it you kids are calling it these days? A dank meme?
I’m not big on New Year’s Resolutions. They usually seem like a good setup for disappointment, but I think I’ll make an exception in this case, ‘cause I’m really tired of trying to change someone else who is never going to change, and it’s time that I finally admitted that this person lives in the same skull with me.
So… I’m leaving Me.
I’m still a little vague on the details of exactly how I’m going to manage it. Perhaps I’ll have to starve and weaken that half of my brain, by denying it whatever it seems to crave… Well, now I sound like the monster in the relationship. Nevertheless, I like the clever side of me better, and I imagine that you do as well, so I think you’ll agree that, of the two halves of me, this half should be to one to walk out of this room alive.
I’ve lost track of all the times that the other side of me has argued that we should just kill ourselves and be done with it, that it’s all hopeless, and after all, what’s the point?
Well, now that you mention it, Other Half, your existence does seem a little pointless after all, so now the question arises… How do you murder a part of yourself and get away with it?
I know exactly what you are talking about. I’ve struggled with a very similar issue, with what feels like half of me derailing the other half. I find this happens when I am not meeting the needs of one half or the other (and truly, be lucky if you only have two parts… we are usually more complicated). Email me, I’m glad to talk.
Thank you. It’s good to know I’m not the only one like this.
You’ve recognized patterns, realized you’ve been sabotaging yourself. That’s a great start. I can’t say I’ve had the exact same experience as you, but I can empathize with that internal struggle, and screaming at myself to stop doing what I’m doing (binge eating, whatever vice etc). I don’t think you can see it as murdering the Other Half, it doesn’t ever completely go away.
Think of it as a war instead. To start it’s an uphill battle, you have to pick and choose where you are gonna fight this, and understand that its not gonna happen overnight, and you will lose some battles as well. Takes time for the brain to reroute itself. No one else can make the needed changes though, but you can and will get control in the end. That Other Half can pop up, when things go south and old routines seem comforting. Therapy can help too, if you find a good one you can connect with.
Yeah, I suppose I already knew that it was going to be a “long-haul” kinda campaign against the other. Still, it’s nice to dream of a quick victory. 8)
I wish you success, and it sounds like you know what it is you want to do. If you want a medical term to look up, you can try akrasia. The best advice I can think to give you is to make a bet with a friend who won’t get judgmental, but who will know if you break your resolution. Then your pride will help keep you honest. And the most helpful thing I can think of to say is that you’re very talented and I enjoy your comic a lot. Happy New Year!
And if I wasn’t clear about this, feeling that way is normal and I go through it too. I’d really encourage you to try to think of it as being focused on the long-term versus living in the moment, with a time and a place for both. You don’t need to murder the part of you that enjoys simple pleasures if you can find healthy things you enjoy and take satisfaction in them.
Thank you. I think it’s the “finding healthy things that I enjoy” bit that’s problematic. I mean I don’t even really like some of the unhealthy things I do anymore… I more just do them out of habit when I’m overwhelmed or not paying attention. I need better habits. 8)
You have my sympathy– it sounds like a rough time, and I hope you recover soon (in all ways).
As far as the resolution… It really annoys me when people comment on things they don’t understand, so I’m going to stay out of this one.
Instead, a support group I know will comment. They say that you can kill off part of yourself “one day at a time”– you don’t have to deny a craving for the rest of your life; that’s superhuman. You just have to deny it -today-. You want to stop something? Just don’t do it -today-. Maybe you can do it tomorrow.
The next day? Same thing.
Sophistry? Maybe. But it’s helped a lot of people.
Anyways, yes, to you and your family: Get well soon!
Thank you!
Isn’t it a pain in the ass when the GM gives you the ultimate weapon and then throws monster at you that aren’t effected by physical weapons. 😛
Try Yoga. Healthy, calming, fun…And depending on the class you get into, some nice views (read: butts and cleavage) as inspiration to better your own body.
I went down a whole pant size in the last year… Eating healthier seems more natural. The exercise itself is more refreshing than physically tiring most of the time.
Just once a week…One hour…
People keep suggesting Yoga to me. Any suggestion as to how to find the kind of class that will inspire me rather than just make me miserable?
I don’t know: it may have to do with the teacher. I practiced it for a while and never made me feel miserable at all, maybe because the teacher was conscious that it’s not about “achieving” but about “doing” and “enjoying”. Or maybe it was I who looked at it that way? Have you watched “Man Friday”?, great movie that reverses the story of Robinson Crusoe and, among hilarious or though-provoking scenes, there’s one where Crusoe tells Friday about sport and how it is about “taking part and enjoying it”, then they race on the beach and end up arguing who won: if Crusoe, who arrived first but is red, sweating and panting, or Friday, who took his time enjoying the run…
Yoga is largely about breathing and relaxing, a modicum of firmness (and persistence, something I lack, admittedly) is also needed (you’re also training your willpower and self-control) but there’s no need to touch your toes on day one, take it easy and you will eventually, much sooner than you expect (it’s all about relaxing the backbone in fact, of letting gravity do all the work: I’m fat and untrained and can still do it).
So I’m guessing it may all be about the teacher (and maybe also your own acquired ideas of “achievement”, what is not what it’s about at all). So if your teacher is pushing you to “achieve” instead of letting or even encouraging you to enjoy the process, then you probably want another better more enjoying and enjoyable teacher.
Actually, in my experience, it’s the same (to an extent) with any kind of exercising: I remember in school when we got a new sport teacher who was much more friendly and, while daring and encouraging, not so annoyingly demanding as the old one. Suddenly even running at the park (I hate jogging: it’s sooo boring!) became much much better. And it’s surely the same when you exercise on your own: while pushing your limits hard may work for some, for most doesn’t and leads to giving up. Instead doing what you enjoy (without falling into mere couching, a bit of determination is always needed) will lead you much more easily to do more. Also exercising with others, friends, couple, etc., helps, because we get some emotional-social bonus from the action. That’s also why groups work, assuming you are getting good vibes from the rest of the class and not negative ones.
Anyway, sad you’re going through that nasty virus. I’ve been quite lucky this year, only a bit of diarrhea one day, but there’s still a lot of winter ahead, so touching wood…
Anyway, on the comic: what’s about all this altruism of the lizard guy? Has he fallen in love or is just that I have absolutely no clue on how his mind works?
Tuul? Remember, his original reason for coming here was that he wanted to be eaten by his god, and Bree promised him that she’d let him be next after she killed all the others. He did say he realized the cultists weren’t really his friends last time, so maybe his motive has changed, but he always wanted to sacrifice himself for some cause.
Guess soo…
Not really convinced to be honest: it’s quite difficult for me to follow his motivation. I guess he’s just some dumb lizard-man cultist and I should not try to get myself in his shoes at all.
It’ is ambiguous. Maybe he still wants to feed the demon for some greater good, but just saw through the cultists. Maybe he feels sorry for Bree. Maybe it’s a ruse and he’s going to ambush the Toothless Ones. Maybe he’s got a martyr complex. We’ll see.
Been a while since I posted here, but the girlfriend sent me a link earlier today that might help you get past the depressing routine:
http://www.iflscience.com/brain/what-magic-mushrooms-do-to-your-body-and-brain/page-2/
Apparently research has shown that Shrooms are a potential treatment for depression, which only require one trip for lasting improvements to mental health and few lasting side effects (one rare negative one (recurrent hallucinations for people whom had predispositions to such anyways), and only beneficial effects beyond that one)
That’s not a magic pill, but rather a tool for spiritual voyage, so I would not recommend them as such but rather with some precaution. Ultimately they are the “warm, fuzzy cousin” of LSD and peyote, so yes, they may be easier and softer but I wouldn’t just take shrooms in for example a dilapidated socio-economic context or with hypocrites, etc. This “sacred” stuff is not to be taken lightly IMO, although I would also commend it if done properly, with the correct daring-yet-humble attitude and in a nice environment (in nature if possible, with nice friends or reachable if alone and with a warm place in case weather is hostile).
Well, yeah, they aren’t a cure-all, but they have legitimately less harmful effects than any ‘depression medication’ I’ve seen on the market and are being used by doctors, as of 2012, as a medicine under-testing.
The lack of longterm side effects has been known for decades and the recent research on shrooms as a depression medicine had cleared the 80% strong survey stringency. As in they went through product testing in Europe and passed the medical effectiveness testing from their equivlency to the FDA’s second save of screening. (In America, the second wave of product testing would be when the medical infomercials come into the picture).
So, yes having a safe environment to trip out in us just good practice, but shrooms are in fact a safer depression medication with a higher percentage of success in product testing than American depression drug tests.
We just went crazy against drugs of most kinds back in the seventies and haven’t really tried to check if the banned psychedelics should have been banned at all. (Unless you count pot, which is the first illegal drug to begin to be made legal again after the war on drugs began)
Also if ‘depression medicine’ has depression, death and suicidal tendencies on the side effect list, is it really a good choice for treating depression?
I don’t know why we put most of our antidepressants on the market at all.
Take it from someone who’s been off and on depression meds for some time now–they’re on the market because they work like they’re supposed to in over 95% of the people who need them. You literally have to nat-1 the side effects roll for them to worsen your depression, and the odds get even better once you’ve left your teenage years and your body’s hormones settle down.
You know what works best for me: retook tobacco smoking and quit sugar (well, not really, too hard at times, but I do eat much less than I used to: sugar is your enemy). Now and then I took vitamin supplements with ginseng and when I feel like crap I just play games and watch YouTube until I decide that nothing at all makes sense anymore (it may take months). Then I retake normal productive life, because it’s the only thing that makes sense once all the “candy” tastes to cardboard: doing what you like and what makes you feel *useful* and *unique*, WORTH. In my case it may be anthropology blogging or political journalism, in his case it is clearly drawing art and telling marvelous stories.
The real problem with all that is that it doesn’t pay, while licking the boots of some old evil guy does instead, almost no work required, no soul or integrity either. Or that health isn’t as good as you’d like, aging or bad luck gets in the way at least as much as lack of money, etc.
What a trip may help you realize is that, while hunting a mammoth a week for your kids (if you have them) may seem fascinating it may also be most frustrating and that maybe you can take other aspects of life, like creation and everything that makes you feel worthy, as a quite light load in comparison, and also it surely gets boring after the first ten or a hundred mammoths, I guess. This is just an example from my own mindset, so it works differently for others.
I agree that psycho-farms are surely not as good as the alternatives for almost all cases. I at least never want to take them: better dead than medicated for life (my opinion always). IMO the problem is not only inside you but in the socio-economical context largely and psycho-farms do nothing about that, just like alcohol or opium, they make you less sensitive to pain (and also make you an addict). The main issue of tripping is that you may just learn a lot, way more than you can digest, not just about yourself but also about the rather shitty reality we live in in just a few extremely intense and probably confusing hours, and that’s why a carefully picked environment is highly recommended. We are all tough, brave and smart people but still you don’t want to test your own limits too much too quickly. And yes, shrooms, are softer, so better for “novices”, no doubt. And you won’t get addicted, that’s for sure.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I’ve never tried mushrooms or any of the more potent natural methods, but I am curious about what I’ve read. I’ve had some mind-expanding experiences just by being in certain places at certain times. I recall spending the night on a mountainside once and having a complete shift of perspective that changed my outlook on the world from that moment forward, and I sort of imagine that’s what a mushroom trip might feel like.
I am still taking the L-dopa supplements that one reader recommended along with my vitamins, and they seem to help take the edge off the worst of my depression, so I’m grateful for that.
As for prescription anti-depressants, I’ve only tried Zoloft. I sought treatment after a particularly nasty panic attack in a pre-Christmas mall. I ultimately chose to discontinue it, as I didn’t care for the side-effects, but I did enjoy a rather nice “vacation” from the crazy. 8) It also helped me to realize that certain voices in my head weren’t really “me”. I mean, if I could turn them off with a damn pill, how important could they really be?
warm? fuzzy? are you talking about the same shrooms I’ve taken? because holy hell were shrooms the worst trip, bar non, that I have ever had the misfortune of experiencing. Seriously, I came outta that crap with my hands cut to shit because I couldn’t feel the pain. It was not fun. Maybe that’s just me, but acid was way, way warmer and fuzzier. Just my experience.
Psylocibe semilanceata, which grows wild, typically not far from cattle or horse droppings in temperate climates, known popularly in my country as “mongi”. There are many mushrooms out there, even many species of the Psylocibe genus, so I can’t speak for the rest: I have only tried those and LSD in the range of drugs we are discussing. I never had any experience of not feeling pain, really: you feel everything, just that often you get it all somehow distorted and I personally tend to give life attribute, “meaning” and “intent” to everything much more than usual (stuff like “realizing” how the urban sprawl and even concrete and barbed wire are “alive”, an organism of sorts, or giving personality to old trees, seeing faces in tree knots and even branch patterns much more than usual, inferring “meaning” from stuff I would normally discard as trivial…)
Probably not the best drug (either shrooms or LSD or similar stuff like peyote) for people with schizophrenia or paranoid tendencies but for the rest it may help giving “meaning” (sometimes the “meaning” you may get is not positive though, that’s what called a “bad trip”, which can still be productive but is much harder to go through emotionally). In any case the experience is highly subjective, so it’s unpredictable in many ways. But in nature, provided some comfort, it’s typically much more enjoyable, as you truly feel the beauty of it all.
If you want to talk, please email me.
Thank you!
Much sympathy… Evil contagions and family gatherings… Knew a public health professor that called children “two legged disease vectors” (I was pushing a carriage, and the second was in a backpack… all of us dripping virus…)
And – Thanks for your work!
8)
You don’t. You don’t murder half of yourself. That part of you is there to make you push to be better. Integrate it, own it, be proud of it. You take motivation from what you want to be to improve who you are. And you do this your whole life — it’s never ending growth. Be grateful for having the ability to be better as most living things do not have that.
I have problems with being lazy. I have to push hard to get anything meaningful done. But I push. And then when I accomplish something I feel that much better. It has made me a fairly optimistic person. I am lucky to have my failings as they are something I get to overcome over and over every day. Not have to — get to.
And I am rewarded with a sense of self worth as well as improvement. Own it, and use it. It’s a powerful tool.
Thanks! Sometimes it feels like I have two horses pulling the wagon, and they both want to go in different directions. 8)
I’m not sure how is “trying to kill part of yourself” supposed to get you into positive mental state. On the other hand, realizing you have problem is first step to solving it.
Better wield instead of weild then, eh.
Oops! Thanks for the catch!